UPDATE: Mine's there now. Ouch. But then again, there is truth to it.
My comments to hers. If you haven't read at least the comments Miss Snark made then this won't make sense.
She is absolutely correct in that the events are bogged down. The first four paragraphs are actually the first five pages and a prologue. A prologue that I'm not sure should be part of it.
To meet the word requirement, I cut about 100 words. Some of those words indicated that time passed. Stupid, really, to leave that bit out.
Jo doesn't come through as the character I intend her to be. Obviously I have somethings to fix in the synopsis to show that. Her drinking problem is pretty bad, actually, to the point where she has black outs and doesn't remember events from the night before. I think Emily is correct to lecture her, but she might be sounding harsher than she required here, I'm not sure.
The teen center as Alex sees it is how I've portrayed it and that's exactly what needs to be fixed. It needs to be a Starbucks, as Miss Snark says. I'm missing the bit where Jo helps Alex realize why it isn't working and what he needs to fix it.
When I submitted this, I had reservations. I wrote it as part of an outlining process called the Snowflake Method. I'm not actually done with the book; writing a one page synopsis is Step Four. I have about 60 pages written (22,000 words) and the first 50 pages are with my crit group now. When we meet next, I'm bringing Miss Snark's review (for those who are not wise enough to read her blog already) and ask if her comments hold true for the manuscript.
Even though the review is scathing, I can see what is working and what isn't as far as my synopsis, and others. It's a great perspective on the industry. I'm eternally grateful that she is taking the time to do this.
The other reason for the chipper outlook is that if it was truly heinous, she would have mentioned aliens in Chapter 14 or given it an effective pass with few comments. The fact that it was worthy of as many comments as it has means that something must have worked that it was worth the time to comment.