Breaking a Friendship
Yesterday's mail brought an invitation to a shower that I have no desire to go to. It's for an old friend that through time and circumstances the friendship has waned. I appreciate the gesture. We are not to the point where it would be like asking for a gift. We are still doing the "my life is so busy" bit. But how do you break it off? Should it be just allowed to die gracefully, through neglect? Or should there be an aburpt ending, through a confrontation of sorts? I'm at a loss, quite frankly. I could go through the various points and reasons I have for not wanting to continue the relationship, but I fear that the individual would be recognized. Not something that I want to do as we have mutual friends who might read this. I do have bigger reasons than "my life is busy." Screw that. Everyone's life is busy. Any advice out for the situation? Have you gone through the graceful demise? Or the confrontation? What knowledge can I glean from your experiences?
3 comments:
Well, I think I know who you mean, without you saying any more. Thing is, I guess I understand why you could feel like that. Being dropped by a friend, or group of friends, is one of the worst feelings there is. Granted, we all have so much going on in our adult lives, but there is always time for at least email. I guess in responce to your question, if you don't want to go, DON'T. By what you said, it appears that you wouldn't really be missed at the event anyway. ~M
I should maybe clarify --- this relates to my working life, not my college life. When I posted this morning, I didn't think about Z's wedding shower, but rather K's baby shower. My apologies. Is Z's shower soon? I haven't heard anything about it.
An interesting question -- whether to let a friendship die gracefully through neglect? When and how does one let a waning friendship go, and should it happen that way? At what point does it become acceptable to simply stop contact. Why must we endure the uncomfotable (but obligatory) phone calls, emails, or weddings?
Here's my answer, as a metaphor to life: I look at friendships as securities, investments for the future. We make an initial deposit -- a year or two of history, a few great memories, maybe a romance -- then circumstances change. That investment is still there, though the deposits have stopped. The question is what kind of investment did you make? Was it a high risk, low yield? A low risk, high yield? Or did you invest in a friendship that requires continuous deposits in order to avoid losing your investment completely? Perhaps the question isn't how do I get out of the friendship, but am I ready or willing to make a waithdrawl?
The other question is what kind of investment am I as a friend? Do I require continuous deposits and yield a low return? Am I high risk? Do I promise a future value?
The ideal investment requires little initial deposit and yields slowly over a long period of time. You may not need to withdrawl from the account on a regular basis, but when you do, the investment is there to return.
So in answer to the question at hand, if a poor investment was made, make a final withdrawl from the account and close it. If you're not sure, make a small deposit and watch to see if it grows again. And when in doubt, never sell an investment that has already been or can be a strong investment in the future.
-Matt
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