Fast and Light

I'm going to direct you to a series of hilarious covers today, over at SBAshton, instead of providing you with quality content of my own. She's making me laugh out loud, and I can't not share.

The Art of Seduction

Do women send signals that indicate their intent to have sex? Scott Adams had a boss who believed so.

I once had a boss who shared his theory for seducing a woman. I’m not sure if it was genius or insanity. His theory is so simple it has to be one or the other. His two step secret to seduction:

1. Take her to your place.
2. Get her to take off her shoes.

That’s it.

In Scott's post -- Footwear Theory of Motivation -- he explains that his boss came up with the theory after years of playboy behavior. In typical Scott-fashion, he expands the theory and refers to some interesting back-up.

I was reminded, however, of the "crucial" date with my now husband. You know, the date where you decide if he is going to get further than just kissing. The shirt that I wanted to wear was a button down. I had a safety pin securing a gap. I recalling standing in front of my bathroom mirror, debating about whether or not to leave that pin in.

So, dear reader, do you have a similar type story? Or is Scott's boss washed up?

This is cute

Mingle² - Online Dating

My offenses were "Bitch" x 2; "Ass" x 2; "Abortion" x 1

Math, the Business Way

I can't thank my ex-college roommate enough for forwarding this. I got it the day after a really bad meeting. It was twice as funny as it should have been, simply because of the timing.

The Real Truth About Math

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

• What makes 100%?
• What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
• Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

New Email Rules.

Defective Yeti proposes this site as a means to filter out internet users.

Do you think I could make it a requirement before I'll read an email from someone?

Must find IT guru.

My Son, the Weed Pusher

Conversation between the daycare provider and Pickle Boy, the almost four year old, who has spent the last five minutes picking weeds.

Pickle Boy: Money for weed?

Daycare Provider: No, I don't want to buy your weed.

Explanation: Grandma pays him to pick weeds. Shouldn't everyone?

This probably isn't as funny as the relayed conversation sounded.

Stacie Needs...

I picked this up from another Stacy, but our needs are different.

The idea is to Google your name and "needs" to discover what the internet things you are lacking in your life. Post the top five.

1. Stacie needs to let people know that the reason she is what she is is because of God and his help for her. (This is Stacie Orrico, who pops up all the time as a search keyword for my page. Who the heck is she?)
2. Stacie needs her own forum!
3. Stacie needs to be the perfect roll model.
4. Stacie needs a new computer.
5. Stacie needs to gain cycling confidence

When I checked the URL for any of those, it all feed back to a "Stacie Orrico" site.

Maybe I should check out who this chick is and why people are telling her what she needs.

Scrubs

I have an undying love for Scrubs. On the Internet Movie Database (or IMDb.com) you can get great information about the cast, crew, trivia, etc. I've compiled some quotes that I wish I heard, or could use, at my work place.

Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day.

---

Dr. Cox: Let me introduce you to, A Man Who Doesn't Care.

---

Ted: And you know what else? I quit!

Dr. Kelso: No you don't!

Ted: Well I'm leaving early today!

Dr. Kelso: No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!

Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!

Dr. Kelso: Whatever.

---

Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!

---

Elliot: Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.

---

Dr. Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.

Dr. Kelso: [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny?

Nurse Roberts: Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part. [much more threateningly] Why?

Dr. Kelso: [Frightened] Uh, no reason.

---

Julie Keaton: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nause, impotence and anal leakage.

Dr. Cox: And, I'm getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.

---

Dr. Kelso: Perry.

Dr. Cox: BeelzeBob.

---

Dr. Kelso: Hey, guess what has two thumbs and *still* doesn't give a crap? [Points at his face with his thumbs] Bob Kelso! I think we've met...

---

Ted: I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.

---

Carla: Christopher!

Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla: Sometimes.

---

Dr. Kelso: Come here, Tom.

Ted: Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years. (Wait I have heard this one!)

Fair warning, you can spend hours poking around in IMDb.

Superbowl XLI Prank

I love a good prank. Cockeyed.com is one of my favorite sites because of their small pranks and interesting anecdotes. The following prank both thrills and terrifies me.

The most ambitious prank in history.

We're always told to be afraid of terrorists broadcasting secret messages on national TV. I've always wondered: don't the terrorists have Yahoo Groups? Can't they just send out an Evite when it's time to stage an attack?

To promote the new ZUG book, PRANK THE MONKEY, we wanted to show how easy it would be to broadcast a secret terrorist message not just on national TV, but on TV's biggest event.

We hacked the Super Bowl.

During the second quarter of Super Bowl XLI, a team of elite, highly-trained pranksters quietly distributed 2,350 packets to the lower east section of Dolphin Stadium. These "Party Packs" contained a six-inch light-up necklace, along with official-looking instructions. By wearing the necklace lights during the halftime show, Super Bowl fans believed they would be spelling out the word "PRINCE."

The multi-page article goes on to explain that:

Super Bowl XLI was a Level One national security event, usually reserved for Presidential inaugurations. We had to get two full vanloads of materials through federal marshals, Homeland Security agents, police, police dogs, bomb squads, ATF personnel, robots, and a five-ton state-of-the-art X-ray crane. It took four months and a dozen people to pull off the prank that ended up fooling the world.

You really must read the whole article to understand that everyone did everything that they were supposed to...including the pranksters.

via Kottke.org

Chemistry Lesson

A bit different than I recall from high school, but that's been a while.

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a few seconds. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Of course I recall something to this nature, but remember it better in my Poli-Sci classes at college.

Bra Size

Back in February, before all of the snow fell across the state, Hubby and I were checking out the discount racks at the local Target (we're anti-WalMart, for a variety of reasons. I'll argue with you later.

The boys needed long underwear, warmer jammies, and in general, socks. Pickle Boy wears through his like no one I've ever seen before. Or it just might be that most of them are hand me downs. Who knows.

On our way to the boys section, we passed the women's lingerie. My husband stopped in front of a display of bras and started looking through the sizes.

I watched him for a few minutes and try to figure out what he is doing. Before I could completely process any reasonable line of thinking, he asked, "The green one is pretty. Do you like it?"

I must have nodded or done something to show that I did like the style and color. He tossed it in the cart. And turned to look at me. "What?"

"It's the right size. You don't know my size for anything. You almost know my pants size but it's still a ball park guess." And he's a sweetie who guess on the low side.

"Honey, some things are important enough to know what size it takes to contain 'em."

New Words For 2007

Have these shown up in your inbox? How many of them apply to your workplace?

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT< /SPAN>: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Writing Critiques

I'm a firm believer in constructive critiques. I'll tell you what does and doesn't work for me, why it is(n't), weird formatting things that you might not have picked up on, etc. I won't say I don't like, unless I can tell you why.

But, the following had me dying with laughter and wishing that I wasn't so nice. Just for a day.

Comments on My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates. By Robert Hinderliter

A hackneyed, masturbatory miscarriage of a story.

You have managed to coldly and persistently rape the English language for 17 pages. Congratulations.

The fact that this story exists is the ultimate argument against Creationism.

Your embarrassingly ineffectual and flaccid prose made me feel uncomfortable.

This smugly written tripe is an affront to the craft of writing and fails to meet even the most generous definition of adequacy.

Truly abysmal. Maybe singularly so.

You had some nice details.

I'm not even sure I've ever read anything that would justify a single one of these comments. If I used one, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face.

What Every Woman Knows

Another goodie from the inbox.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Romance, Onion Style

How Did I End Up On The Cover Of This Romance Novel?

Last week at the supermarket, while shopping for my weekly supply of three dozen eggs and 12 pounds of mutton, I spotted a rack near the checkout...

Not only is the article worthly of any bodice ripping historical romance*, The Onion provided the code to do the very cool blurb you see above.

*I lived for bodice ripping historical romances as a teenagers. Especially if they had pirates. Publishers need to start filling this demand for us again.